I wish I could explain what it feels like—being this happy, and this scared, all at once.
It’s like I’m standing in sunlight after being in the dark for so long that my eyes don’t know how to adjust. You make everything feel warm and alive. It’s overwhelming in the most beautiful way, and yet, there’s this quiet panic underneath. Like I’m waiting for the sky to fall. Waiting for the moment this joy becomes too good to keep.
I don’t doubt you love me. That’s the thing… I know you do. You love me in ways that feel soft and steady, wild and warm. Sometimes you love me like I’m fragile. Sometimes like I’m fire. Sometimes like I’m home. And every time, it’s real. I feel it in the way you reach for me when I haven’t said a word but you know something’s wrong. I feel it in the silence you make safe for me, in the way your presence tells me I don’t have to hide.
But I still find myself holding my breath.
It’s not you I’m afraid of. It’s how much I care. How much I want to stay in this feeling forever. That kind of want is terrifying. Because what if it ends? What if I mess it up by being too much… or not enough?
I don’t know how to stop overthinking. I don’t know how to stop scanning the edges of joy, looking for cracks. I wish I could just be in the moment without wondering how many moments I have left.
And maybe that’s the part I haven’t said out loud before, not fully. That loving you feels like flying, but I’m scared because I’ve never trusted the wings. Not mine. Not anyone else’s. But here you are, loving me like I’m not a flight risk. Like even if I falter, you’ll catch me.
I don’t want to hold myself back from this, not again. I’ve done that before. I loved carefully, quietly, and it didn’t save me from loss. If anything, it left me with more regret. This time, I want to try differently. I want to let myself feel it all. Even the fear. Even the ache of how deeply I want to keep you.
Being with you feels like floating in the sky, weightless, but exposed. Part of me keeps looking down, afraid of how far there is to fall. Maybe I’m still learning how to stop bracing myself for the worst. But if this is what it means to love with everything I’ve got… to open myself fully, even when it scares me, then I want to stay here with you. Even if I’m not sure how to land yet.
Please be patient with me. This is new, and I’m still figuring it out.
