There are times when I am overcome by the desire for a fresh start, a blank slate, and an escape from the monotony of daily life. Not because I’m trying to avoid my problems, but because the monotony of daily life is exhausting. It’s as if I’m in limbo, feeling nothing and not being fully present. Don’t get me wrong, my routine is comfortable enough. But there’s this nagging doubt, this voice in my head that asks, “Is this it? Is this all there is?”
I’ve tried to find new hobbies to satisfy my curiosity, but my interests are fleeting. The novelty of a new topic wears off after a while, and I lose interest in it. I admire those who have found a calling, a driving force that motivates them to devote their entire selves to their work, hobbies, and relationships. Me? I’m swerving aimlessly, with no clear destination in mind. I can’t help but wonder what it’s like to be filled with such passion. I yearn for that feeling, but it eludes me.
It’s not that I don’t value the things that most people appear to desire: wealth, fame, and material possessions. However, I am disenchanted with traditional measures of success. Maybe it’s my rebellious or inquisitive nature, but I’m drawn to the road less traveled, the road uncharted and free of convention. I like looking into unconventional concepts, challenging societal norms, and questioning the status quo. It is not just a matter of contrarianism, but I believe there is value in examining things from different perspectives.
I see the world through a different lens, one that’s a little more empathetic, a little more curious. I am frequently plagued by an overactive mind that is constantly trying to solve the mysteries of life, the world around me, and everything I see through my tiny lens. Having lived in such a manner for so long, I had probably become jaded. The world has become mundane and predictable. To my eyes, it is chaotic and at times ugly, but I recognize that for others it is a source of comfort and security. They seek solace in routines and familiarity, whereas I seek to expand my horizons and push the boundaries of what is known and familiar.
Society is a complex web of norms and traditions that shape our interactions and behavior. It’s fascinating to observe, but I find it suffocating and hostile. The shallowness of social niceties and small talk frequently frustrates me. I want to connect with others on a deeper level, to understand their deepest thoughts and desires and, hopefully, to be understood. However, I consistently struggle to connect with others. They can easily communicate with me, and I frequently find myself in the midst of everything. But I can’t seem to connect with anyone, and as a result, I feel like a fraud. It’s as if I’m an actor on a grand stage, playing my part from a script I wrote myself. I crave something more genuine, something that connects me to someone, to anyone.
At the very least, I recognize that the path to meaningful connection begins with vulnerability. We must be willing to lower our guard and share our deepest thoughts and feelings with others. Only then will we be truly understood and appreciated for who we are, rather than just the roles we play in society. Vulnerability, on the other hand, is a two-edged sword. It takes great courage to expose oneself in this way because it exposes us to rejection and pain. Nonetheless, without vulnerability, we risk living a life that is empty and unfulfilling. And if I had to sum myself up in one word, it would be coward.
The younger and more prideful me might have said invulnerable. But I have learned that we are never truly invulnerable, no matter how hard we try to protect ourselves from life’s slings and arrows. We are all, in some way, vulnerable to the world’s pains and frustrations. And yet, some people have a tendency to pretend otherwise, to put on a mask of indifference and stoicism, as if to prove to the world that they are unbreakable. However, this is a false and ultimately futile endeavor because it denies what makes us human – our capacity for feeling and vulnerability. And despite my pretenses, I, too, have felt the weight of the small things that bother others. It is a burden that we all bear to some extent, and it is this burden that binds us together – that reminds us of our common humanity and our need for connection and understanding.
While wearing a mask of indifference and invulnerability may appear to be an easier path at times, it eventually leads to loneliness and a lack of purpose. Living in our own little world can be lonely, especially when no one else understands what we’re going through. Despite my difficulties, I remain firm in my conviction that life must be lived with passion, purpose, and conviction. It is not enough to simply exist or to drift aimlessly through life. I recognize that in order to survive, I must break down the barriers that limit my ability to relate to others. For the time being, this entails embracing my interests in the hopes that they will lead me to something that will ignite a spark within myself and others. Those others, I am certain, are my people.
I’ve come to terms with the fact that not everyone appreciates or understands my way of life. They may perceive my choices to be impractical, naive, or self-absorbed. It’s a little unconventional, and traveling this path may feel solitary, but it’s authentic. It’s not about being unique for the sake of being unique; it’s about staying true to myself. It’s where I’m most at ease. It’s also the place where I feel the most alive.
